On Being Dianna

Dianna Jaimie Bell. Dianna, from Miss Dianna Agron, for I admire her. And I like the name; the double 'n' seems much more natural. Jaimie, from two friends who themselves are called Ja(i)mie. Bell… as much as I'd like to claim that Bell came about because I saw the potential for 'moredibell', I'll be honest and admit it came from Gryffindor Chaser Katie Bell.

I started Echoes of Dust a year ago today.

I'm pleased with myself; except for November (when NaNoWriMo occurs), I've managed at least one blog post a month. I may not have blogged regularly, but I was consistent. It has been a good year; I've blogged about things of interest to myself, and hopefully about things of interest to other people.

I don't have to make this post. In fact, you can argue that I shouldn't. But I will. It seems a good day to speak of these things… and I'm tired of being afraid, tired of living in the shadows. I started this blog in part because I could be me here. I can't remember ever wanting anything else as much as I've wanted to be me. The person that others wanted me to be… she wasn't anything nice, or so I thought.

Hell, she wasn't even a girl. And I knew I was a girl. Maybe I didn't know the word transgender, but I knew I was a girl. It wasn't a phase, as my mother was oft to claim about things I said. It was real… and has been for over twenty years.

I am in a prolonged transition stage at the current moment; have been for two to three years. Part of that has been making a Twitter, this website, signing up at various internet places as Dianna. And I am indebted to several people of one forum; one encouraged me to speak up and request to present as Dianna… and the few that I have established closer friendships with have never given me cause to feel that they see me as anything but Dianna.

They know who they are. I am thankful to them for their acceptance and inclusion into the girls' club.

Investigations into possibilities of presenting as female offline have occurred, but at the current moment, the chances are limited by money and ability to go out. It's rather expensive, about a thousand dollars to get non-surgery options and I've had emergencies and a couple of limited time offers I preferred to go for.

Plus a miscommunication with the store; maybe I was to call back, or I was going to be called back… I think it was the latter, but it never happened. *shrugs, smiling ruefully* Still, it'll happen. I made the choice to start pursuing a more physical presentation last year; I've not changed my mind.

There are other things to consider… surgery, legal implications. At present time, surgery is too expensive, which renders most legal implications moot.

For now, I am female. It is enough.

I will live my life; I will not run away.

I am female.

My name is Dianna Jaimie Bell and I refuse to be afraid.

Comments

6 Responses to “On Being Dianna”

  1. Siri Paulson says:

    *stands up and cheers*

    You see yourself as Dianna. Female, currently stuck in the wrong body, but certain of who you are meant to be. Therefore, so do I. End of story.

  2. Heather says:

    *claps and hugs!*

    You are hella brave, Dianna, you have no idea how much I admire that quality in you. And, what Siri said. I've never had cause to see you as anything but who you really are; Dianna.

  3. Jamie says:

    So proud of you Di. Xoxo

  4. Erin Z. says:

    :cheers wildly: You're very brave. I've never thought of you as anything but Dianna.

  5. Anni says:

    I have told you before, I honestly forget there was a point your WEREN'T Dianna. That's all I have ever know you as. That's who I will always know you as, Brave Dianna.

  6. Anna says:

    All the cheers for you!

    Standing up like this is brave and admirable, and I wish you all the best with what comes next. I have never thought of you as anything other than female, and this certainly won't change things. :)

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